I was a little hesitant about writing this post but I am going to go ahead and share it. This morning I spent time with the Lord, did some journaling, and I broke down crying because I was reflecting on where I was this time last year.
This time last year was one of the lowest moments of my life. I had no money, no food, had an eviction notice that was laying on my kitchen counter, and had a car in the parking garage that had a note that was 70 days past due. I was four classes away from finishing graduate school but I had to sit out because I had failed a class and I didn’t have the money to pay to retake it. ALL my relationships (family, friends, etc.) were in a bind and to be frank I really didn’t see the purpose of living anymore. Yes, I was on the verge of committing suicide.
I had never been so low in my life. Nothing was working for me, I couldn’t get a job, all of the charities and places that help were out of funds for the fiscal year. I had called over 30 places in Houston to help me keep my lights on and to help pay my rent for the month but no one had it. To make matters worse Christmas was a day away and I had NOTHING to take to my family, I barely had enough gas in car to make to their homes.
Last year was the first year I had to walk into my family’s homes gift less, food less, hopeless, depressed, embarrassed, and broken. I was so ashamed and afraid; I was the daughter, niece, grandchild that usually had her life in order but not last year. I remember going to my mom’s house and I was too embarrassed to even eat because I didn’t feel like I was worthy enough. I remember my mom grabbing me and holding me in her arms as I bawled for 20 mins straight. It was the worst feeling in the world to be in front of my mom and have nothing to offer her but tears and guilt.
(Picture from last year)
No one in my family judged me or said anything to bring up my dim situation but I could feel their “worry” for me. No one asked, “are you okay?”, they just gave me reassuring hugs and subtly slipped money in my purse when I wasn’t around. No matter what I had or “didn’t have”, my family never made me feel less than. (That was a pure blessing).
Not sure why God wanted me to write this or share this but I decided that I was going to be obedient. I asked him why he wanted me to share such a humiliating moment of my life with the world and he told me that it wasn’t for me, it was for him.
I don’t know who this is for or who has been through something remotely similar but I am here to tell you everything is going to be okay, I promise.
Right now, it looks dim and your trying to figure out how you are going to make it until tomorrow but I am here to tell you that God sees you, he hears you, and he is not going to let you go. Everything you are feeling right now is to make you a stronger fighter! After this you will be able to with stand just about anything that comes your way.
This morning I was able to get up and write this so you know what that means? I am alive and doing well today, I made it! Despite all the hell I went through, I made it! God kept me. My bills are all paid up, I kept my car, I kept my home, I now have an amazing job, I graduated with my master’s degree a couple of months ago, not only am I on my feet but I’m running. If he did it for me, he is going to do it for you.
Remember, after every storm comes a rainbow.
I love you and most importantly God loves you.